I'll let you in on a little, tiny secret: I'm working on self-publishing a book. It's about all the ways we're thankful in each season of this journey. Here's a snapshot...
Chapter 11
Thankful for Courage
Courage is a deep word. I think if
you were to hold that word in your hands, it would feel round, like a stone,
and heavy. Very weighted. It would press deep your into your palms, and you would
need to summon the strength of your fingers to flex and hold it firmly, but it
would not be so heavy that it could not be fully held. And when I think of the
word courage, my mind pictures its physical state to be round. Never-ending. No
real definite beginning, and no real ending. Not abstract or jagged. Not distorted
or complex. Smooth, round, heavy, yet able to be held, and felt, and
experienced. I believe the very act of holding this word would cause your heart
to flutter and knees to be weak enough to still stand, but at the same time you
would know that you were meant to hold it.
I’ve been reading through the
stories of Kind David recently in order to get a better grasp on just who this
king was whose line would be included in that of Jesus. While reading 2 Samuel,
I came across the section titled, “David ‘s Prayer of Gratitude” at the
beginning of chapter 8. As I read through the lines of text that reveal how
King David went before the Lord in prayer and thanked and praised the Lord for
all of the mighty ways that the Lord had protected, guided, led, and redeemed
David and all of Israel. At the end of this prayer, David basically says that
yes, he will build a house for the Lord, just as the Lord has asked. To
clarify, this is not technically a house for the Lord, so much as it is a line
for Jesus to eventually be born into. What the Lord was really saying was that He
had included David into the line of Jesus and that Jesus would inherit that
role of King over the eternal kingdom, just as David was king over God’s people
here on earth. Incase you’re a bit lost: God was going to use David for
something mighty and BIG.
And instead of backing down, David
showed gratitude to the Lord for finding such favor in him to be chosen for
this.
Scripture says in 2 Samuel 7:27, “For
you, O Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, have made this revelation to your
servant, saying, ‘I will build you a house.’ Therefore your servant has found
courage to pray this prayer to you.”
I love that prayer. I had to read it
a few times for it to sink in. When God asked David to do something, David
answered that call with courage. I
looked up a few other versions of the Bible, and each one I found used the word
courage. Courage is defined as the
ability to do something that frightens someone, and in biblical terms, that can
also mean the ability to do what the Lord is asking them to do, regardless of
what earthly men would say. I’m thankful to see the vulnerability of David as
he confesses that he needs courage to do a task that the Lord is calling him
to. God placed a calling on David, and
David responded, with courage and thankfulness. That calling was the Lord using
David in the great lineage of Jesus. I think David recognized such an enormous
calling was before him to keep his eyes focused on the Lord, and to continue to
be an example of one living for the Lord. Did he mess up? Yes. Did he make bad
choices at times? Yes. But did David stay true to the heart of the Lord and
keep Him in focus? Yes.
I guess that’s how we responded when
we first began to discover the pieces of the puzzle that was Chloe’s diagnosis
and then plan of delivery and treatment. We knew that God was placing a calling
on our hearts to give this child life, and with that meant clinging hard to all
that God had already taught us and all the way’s He had already led us and
protected us in order to give us the courage that it would take to accept this
calling. God did not just ask us to do this suddenly. I think that the Lord led
us gently into this season.
We
did not even take the time to consider alternative options when faced with the
news of our first ultrasound with Chloe because we already had the knowledge that
the Lord creates us each to be fearfully and wonderfully made, and our daughter
was no exception. In our hearts, we already knew that God doesn’t make
mistakes, especially when He is designing a child, a person in His own image.
To say that Chloe, or any other child born with a deformity or abnormality or
trisomy or anything that man believes is deemed unworthy of life, is to say
that God made a mistake and didn’t get this one right. But when you stop to consider
that God makes us each fearfully and wonderfully in His own image, then perhaps
His own image is beautiful enough to be perfect even if that image is different
than what society says is normal. Perhaps that image is still His, even if it
bears a Hypoplastic Right Heart and a mosaic trisomy. What if it takes a broken
heart to be used to remind us that God is in control, that He is beautiful,
that He can teach us compassion and love and grace and wisdom through this tiny
heart? I don’t think Chloe’s heart needed to be perfect to teach us that. I
think the Lord has taught more about who He is and what He is about and how to love
and live more like His Son through the seasons we’ve traveled with Chloe.
But it took courage for us to
embrace each of those things. It took courage to look death in the eye before
her heart surgeries and heart cath and say that our God was still good. God’s
strength is made perfect in our weakness. In our darkest moments with Chloe, we
felt the closest to the Lord and in the surrendering of our will to His. Courage
to be vulnerable with this journey. Courage to live out each day fully, even
the fearful ones and the messy ones, even the lively ones and joy filled ones.
And all of that started slowly,
gradually circling around the same truth, that God was good and for us and for
this child that was being designed intricately in the depths of my womb. That’s
where the roundness of the word courage comes in. We didn’t see it coming when
God allowed me to conceive Chloe. Our breaths slowly echoed that word as we
watched the screen on every single ultrasound over four long months. We wouldn’t
know the extent of it until we met her upon her entry into this world, when she
drew in air to her lungs through that cleft lip for the very first time. This
same courage grew with each surgery, each time we’d face uncertainty, and each
time we would learn to stand up and advocate for our daughter. C.S. Lewis wrote
that, “Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at
the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality.” The courage
itself has always been building, always circulating with strength, and always
will be, even to the day that Chloe might go to be with the Lord, because the
Lord has called us to this task, and we choose to follow Him.
That brings me to the most
courageous part of all. The courage to let go. With our daughter, she’s a grey
zone baby, as I’ve mentioned before. We simply do not know, based on all of her
unique set of circumstances and rare trisomy, how many days we have with her.
In the words of one of her NICU doctors, “It could be three days, three weeks,
three years, or thirty years.” There’s this sacred, secret dance of grief that
we play in the background, always wondering and fearing quietly if today is the day, or is this week the week? Not every day. Not every week. But it’s there.
That’s the part of courage that I dread the most. The someday saying goodbye.
For now, we learn to accept the small bits of grief. That she can’t quite yet
sit up on her own. That we can’t hear her voice or the word mama with her trach
in. That she’s half the size of her peers. That she’s developmentally very far
behind, and that only time will tell how far she will advance. At this point,
she cannot crawl, or walk. We know there’s a bigger grief that will one day
come, and we pray for courage to accept that day, whenever it is for her. But
for now, we choose to embrace each moment, and pray for the courage we’ll need
to face more in the future.
We’re thankful that He is our guide
in this. Our family is grateful that we have a God who is bigger and mightier
than we could ever imaging, and that the Lord is the one equipping us with the courage
needed in this task to raise our medically fragile daughter, and allowing us to
be brave enough to love her without any guarantees in the face of this calling.
