Part 3: "Let me wrecklessly love you..."

The words to the song that steal my breath away as I think of Chloe each time I hear it say,
"Let me wrecklessly love you,
Even if I bleed,
You're gonna have all of me,
You're gonna have all of me..."
{Matt Hammitt}

That was the theme going through my head the day after the appointments at Children's. Let's just say I was a bit more than overwhelmed and scared after the last appointment and how the doctor went on an on about risks and complications.

So I had a choice on Tuesday, while Alan was back at work and it was just me and the kids. Sit and stew and worry and cry. Or cry, but not wallow. Decided to wrecklessly love her, as her song says, and nest a little. We've been on SUCH a roller coaster the last 8 weeks of whether or not to expect a May baby, whether or not we'll hear a heartbeat next appointment, whether or not she's survive past a certain point that we literally have not planned or done anything baby-wise, other than buy that one taggy, so now was the time. Cleaned up the changing table. Pulled out the dresser we'll use for her. Changed the bedding on the crib {though I was smart enough not to climb in the attic storage and get the other side/rail to the crib and take the toddler side off myself. That's an Alan job}. Put her blanket and taggy we got her on her crib. Texted a friend about borrowing her changing pad and covers, the ones she cleaned up and head ready before Christmas, but then knew to wait and hold on to a bit more till I was ready. Then, just as I was about to start doing this, Isaac brought me a picture he drew. It was perfect, and perfect timing. So, here's our little attempt at at least starting to nest. Focused on the fact that the fetal cardiologist said bring her home between 2-6 weeks, so that's where we're going to wrecklessly love her and plan on that for now...anything less would not be loving her the way I should while I carry her within me.

Tore down the Christmas mantel and put this up as our wall of hope for her 

{this was done during the week of wait for FISH results test #1 that first week of January}.

Her aunt Jill and the kids made Valentines while we were gone in KC. 

So sweet to come home to. 

First attempt at using our custom desk for crafts instead of editing. Starting to work on framing Isaac's picture he made Chloe.

A little girl remember how to jump on her old bed.

Just needs the other side and rail. 

Her blanket we finally found for her, ironically the day that we headed to KC for appointments.

Perhaps a certain elder's wife might like to embroider her name on it?

The prayer blanket a sweet friend made her, praying over her as she made it. 

While I nested, Isaac hung his art work he'd been making with my scotch tape...and then some...

Yes. The designer in me was committed to moving the crib, but knew better than to do it without measuring it first. And sadly, it wouldn't fit the way I wanted it. Abi helped measure. 

Random cute moment. The kids played by me the entire morning, constantly by my side, wanting to help or just be there. 

Scolded Isaac for using all my tape, then he said, 

"But Mama!!! I made my name out of tape! See, it says I-S-A-A-C!!!"

Ok, actually, that's really creative, kid. It can stay.

Chloe's gonna be naked...gotta get some clothes for that little peanut.

Abi wanted to test the baby's bed...with her baby.

And now Abi thinks it's her baby doll bed. Works for now, but not for long.

We found her taggy with about a month ago while I was at Target with the kids. We get each child one, so we really wanted to get something to make us think of Chloe. The following week, we found out rough news on this journey, and the new taggy almost got thrown away. It sat near the floor of the kitchen for the next couple of weeks...out of sight, but I knew it was there. The kids would ask about it, but I didn't know whether to throw it away because of the pain of considering her not having it, or keep it and keep hoping. It stayed. The kids and I chose it because of the blooming heart on the side <3. At the time Target didn't have that particular blanket yet, but love the blooms and buds on it since it reminds us of her name's meaning.

Needs a baby and a dirty diaper. 

Isaac's one of a kind print for above her changing table...Let me explain:

{In his words} "That's Mommy, and baby Chloe, and that's my taggy and blankie, and that's Chloe's heart, and that's my name!" What are the things with the x's? "Oh, I tried to draw a heart but messed up, so I crossed them out and made a new one."

Already had the fabric scraps for the back, and the frame has been sitting in the closet. Score for free DIY wall art ;).

If only Abi was napping by then as well.

Just need to figure out what to do above the crib on the huge empty wall. 

Pinners unite! Send me some ideas!