Friday, January 3, 2014

New Year: New Fear, or New Hope?

I can't lie. It's been a very hard two weeks. On Tuesday, New Year's Eve, a friend watched the kids while we ran errands, which gave us time to talk. Bless her heart, she had 4 kids ages 4 to 13 months, plus is over 20 weeks preggers. Where her energy came from that day I don't know. In a way it was hard seeing her for the first time since all this, but she's such a sweetheart that even when I say I'm not dealing well with other pregnant mama's around me right now, she just smiles gently, doesn't push me to talk, and sweetly sweeps my kids away for an afternoon of fun at the zoop (as Abi called it) watching the aminals (as Isaac calls them).

On Tuesday we had a sense of hope. Some peace. The first almost if possible normal day. And she was kicking, which made it better to feel that movement. We came home, was blessed with a meal by friends, and the 5 of us cuddled up and watching the original Disney Cinderella (I think Isaac enjoyed it more than Abi, at least the catch-chases-mice scenes), and Toy Story 1 and 2. Cozy. Just us. Family time.

After the kids were in bed, tucked away, surprisingly asleep, but not surprisingly due to the zoop earlier that day, we relaxed, skyped my mom, and then part of my "relaxing" so I thought was to check facebook, only to see post after post of friends that are expecting in the new year. And it hit. And it hurt. And I was so frustrated reading comment after comment about how people thought (ok, to be fair, to show how out of it I've been and tired my mind is, I literally just looked up to see that I typed the word 'thinked' instead of thought. *Sigh...*) 2013 was a horrible year, bring on 2014, or all the resolutions they were making, or all the things they are looking forward to (again, esp. those with babies to come this spring), and I was crushed.

Because I look at the new year and think, "Lord, how will we ever get through this? How will our kids handle this year? How will we handle this year? What will happen this year?" So many fears. So, SO many unknowns this year.

We've noticed sharing our prayer request on their own walls, or sharing the blog link, and we're so thankful for prayer warriors and those helping to spread the word to cover this child and our family in prayer...and yet at the same time, there's this surreal feeling about how you see these things to pray for others, but there's this weird feeling when you know they're praying for you, that the post is about and for you...

We are clinging to HOPE.

"We wait in HOPE for the Lord, for He is our help and our sheild. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." Psalm 33:20-22.

And the Lord is good, even now. Even today some blessed things occurred that truly give us hope and our hearts more peace because it's the sort of thing we could have never orchestrated on our own without Him. So thankful for the way He provides.

There are hard days, and there are harder days. I'm not sure there are any days in between, honestly. There are days with minimal tears, no tears but instead fears/panics/anxieties, but that doesn't mean the days without those things are any easier. So blessed by our little ones who provide amazing comical relief (Alan, "Abi, are you sorry because you know you did something wrong or sorry you got caught?" Abi, "I sawy I git cot."  Alan, "Abi, crayons are not chapstick!" Isaac, "My belly is tired because he's powercord runned out of batteries.") And blessed by moments with them like tonight when Abi and I were singing Jesus Loves Me to Chloe, and when we sang, "They are weak, but He is strong..." felt her kick.

It's hard, but He is with us. Each day. Each step. Isaiah 43:1-3.

Prayer Requests:
1. We have switched doctors, mainly so that I have a full-time doctor as my last was part-time, and also because this doctor deals more with high risk patients. Please pray as my first appointment is on Monday and we have a list of questions. Praise that childcare has already been figured out for this appointment. Praise for the way in which God orchestrated this switch.

2. Praise that my new doctor's nurse has already called and even asked how I'm doing after the amnio and recommended I continue to rest until Monday...that took a ton of guilt from not cleaning/laundering/doing life in general off my mind. She also said test results should take more like 10 days, not 2-3 weeks, so we're praying for answers to come sooner rather than later. Continuing to pray that it's not chromosomal or genetic...

3. Pray for Alan as he adjusts back to work this week after a week and a half off. Pray he's able to get caught up and praise for him being able to work from home with his job-so thankful today that he was able to do that as I rested.

Your prayers are felt and we are ever thankful for them. Thank you again to those of you who have given us giftcards and brought meals. At first I didn't think meals this week was too necessary, but the Lord knew it was-especially tonight since Alan had gone back to work today and I was exhausted and too tired to cook tonight!! Thank you dear friends for that sweet blessing. And Chloe thanks you for the pecan cinnamon rolls.


  1. My heart is warm reading this. Love you, Mom

  2. Sending so many prayers, you & Alan & the kids haven't left my mind since reading your Christmas prayer request. <3

  3. Praises for the hope of sooner results and a fulltime doctor!